How I Got Here

I just keep telling myself that dieting isn’t forever.  In a sense though, it is.  I’m not a teenager anymore.  I have a slow metabolism.  The little metabolism I do have is controlled by medication.  There will never be another time in my life where I can eat with reckless abandon.  Certain days?  Sure?  Whenever I want?  Never again.

I was a skinny kid.  Like, skin and bones skinny.  When Hub and I went to his senior prom, my dress was a size 3.  I was teeny.  I wish I would have appreciated it then but I didn’t.  I focused on my thighs, which were always meaty.  They were disgusting, I thought.  And I look at those pictures.  A size 3.  Clearly, I was an idiot.

I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 18. When I did, and found myself with a job and a car to give me access to things I had never had on the regular, I started to gain a few pounds.  Nothing excessive, but it showed.  I had unlimited access to Burger King! I worked 3 jobs! I deserved to eat what I wanted to eat.  And I did, until Hub and I moved in together when I was 19.  Then, all of our money went to pay rent.  We had the bare minimum for groceries.  There was little eating out.  And still, I was putting on weight.  After about a year, I went to the doctor.  He said it was because I “no longer lived with mommy and daddy”.  I wasn’t eating solid meals.  This could have been true, but if you could have seen the number of nights when working at Blockbuster, that I only ate a bag of lite microwave popcorn for dinner, you would know that it wasn’t. 

The steady weight gain went on for another year or so.  There were several trips to the doctor, reluctant blood work run, and no results.  It wasn’t until I started feeling an odd pressure in my throat that I was taken seriously.  I was sent for an ultrasound, and then the issue was finally uncovered…I had a goiter which would indicate some sort of thyroid disorder, one that never came up on blood work.  I bid goodbye to my primary doctor, and enlisted an endocrinologist who ran the right tests.  My thyroid was severely underactive and most definitely contributed to my weight gain, as well as my general well being.  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease as well.  I started medication, and within a few months was feeling like my old self.  I’d been going to the gym in addition to the meds, and slowly, the weight started coming off. 

I was down to a weight I was comfortable with in time for my wedding in September 2002.  I was no size 3, but I was on the upper side of normal.  I liked the way I looked.  From there, I don’t really know what happened.  I got comfortable being married, had a few kids, and found myself looking the way I look today.  My weight has gone up and down.  I looked the best when Lucy was about a year old, after a lot of hard work.  Once Olivia was born though, I just sort of gave up.

I’ve made half assed efforts over the last few years and have lost and gained a few pounds here and there.  I’ve never stuck with anything long enough to see results and to that end, I’ve given up quickly because the results didn’t come hard and fast.  And that’s how I’ve come to be here, needing to lose in the range of 80-100lbs.  Truthfully, I would be happy with 50 to put me back to where I was before I got pregnant with Bud.  Hell, I’d be happy with 20 just to know that I can do it.

It’s not all about looks.  It’s about being healthy and being here a long time for my kids.  I’m putting this all out there; starting this blog to keep me accountable.  I’m hoping that it works better than the trackers and the programs and the gym (all of which I am doing, by the way).  I’m hoping that finally, I will see progress.  I would take even the smallest glimmer of hope at this point.  Something to show me that I’m doing something right. Something to show me that this time really is different.