Mantra

I am starting in on my 4^th week of “dieting” this week.  I don’t like to call it dieting necessarily, because I am still eating regular food.  I’m just paying more attention to what I eat and the portions of what I am eating, and I guess cutting back some.  Here is what I have found to work so far:

·         Weight Watchers!!  My points have been my bible.  I’ve tracked calories and other things in the past, but it is obvious why Weight Watcher has been around for so long.  I trust my plan 100%.

·         Eat a light breakfast and lunch.  This way I can eat what everyone else is having for dinner and not worry about it too much.

·         A snack is ok in the afternoon, but I need to think about it, and make sure that I am actually hungry and not bored.

·         Pay attention to my body’s queues.  Just because it is noon, does not mean that I have to eat lunch?  How hungry am I, really?  I’ve also found that eating a later lunch holds me over until dinner and I am less likely to snack.

·         Rather than a bedtime snack, I fill up on water before I go to bed.  This also works wonders for my early morning gym time because I am already somewhat hydrated, and my muscles don’t feel tight.

·         I do my best to save my extra points for the weekend.  This is the most likely time for splurging on desserts to occur.  It’s nice that I can eat them somewhat guilt free. I also do not “spend” my activity points.

And here are a couple of things that I have observed:

·         I fill up faster now than I did before.  What was a normal portion for me 2 weeks ago might make me feel stuffed now.

·         A day a “bad eating” not only makes me feel guilty, but my stomach doesn’t feel right for the whole day either.  Knowing that I will pay for eating those chocolate chip pancakes may help me to *not* eat them the next time the opportunity arises. (Although, when you can’t eat eggs in their natural form, your out to breakfast options are somewhat limited).

·         The longer I am sticking to it, the easier it is to stick to it.

And I am sticking to it in spite of the fact that I have only lost 4lbs (and that 4lbs fluctuates, even) to date.  This is frustrating, because I feel like for the sacrifice I’ve made, I should have lost 15lbs by now. But I know it doesn’t work that way as much as I know that I should not be focused on the number.  The number is not as relevant as the health benefits.  This is maybe the hardest concept to grasp but I am working on it. 

I think I need a mantra or something.

Pep Talk

This has been a bad week so far, in the way of working out.  I’d like to attribute it to being depressed over having finished The Hunger Games trilogy, but that just seems wrong.  Although when I was reading it last week, it was a whole lot easier to get up and go in the morning. 

Ok, I admit it.  I can’t work out because I miss Katniss and Peeta.  Seriously, kill me.

Yesterday I had a dental appointment that didn’t go well, and it left me in pain and out of sorts.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  Olivia is sick.  Again.  These are all excuses that I accepted today, and again did not work out. 

Today I will get involved enough in a new book, to make it easier to go tomorrow morning.

Today I will make sure my gym clothes are out and ready to go.

Tomorrow I will forget what happened today.

Tomorrow is always a new day and that is what I struggle to remember.  If I fucked up one day, I may as well keep it going all week and start fresh on Monday.  I know that I can’t think this way anymore.  Not if I want to actually achieve something here.

So.  I may talk myself in to walking the dog in a little while.  I committed in January to get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day.  I’m not quite failing yet.  I just need to jump this hurdle and be back on track.

I think I am ready. No, I don’t think.  I know. I know that I am ready to do this thing.

A Small Thing

The other day one of my Facebook friends reminded me of a band I really loved in high school.  Have you ever heard of The Lemonheads?  In addition to being quite small in high school, I was also quite the little alternative rock fan (and always a closet pop music junkie…but that’s a different story).  Anyway, Come on Feel by The Lemonheads was one of my very favorite cassettes.  In fact, until we got our first car without a cassette player, this tape accompanied me on road trips for many years, even though it was quite outdated and was obviously wearing thin.

At some point I lost track of my tape.  We’ve long since burned all of our CDs on to our computer and I’ve tried to make notes of music I had on tape that I’d like to have again.  Somehow this gem slipped my mind, until like I said, I got the reminder the other day.  I immediately found it, and downloaded it to my Amazon Cloud.  The next day, I queued it up when I was on the treadmill. For a brief moment, I was the small girl wearing the ever-present 90’s flannel tuning out the world with her music.  I think for the first time ever, I was grinning from ear to ear at the gym. 

And specifically, these lyrics.  They helped me.  This journey, whatever it is.  It is on me.

The Lemonheads

“Down About It”

Gotta own up on my own somehow
Toss the beginning and try to live it down
'n work my way out
I been so down about it

It gets the same every time I shy
Away from the blame and I stand my time
You can understand why
I been so down about it

She's gonna give me all the time I need
to finish it
and if I can't I'll sleep
over

And out like a light when it's not plugged in
fading around if it starts again
you just don't get it when
I get so down about it

I drop you a hint so I hope you don't catch
You fumble your keys and I throw the latch
You'll still worried that
I been so down about it


Out of it so I'd hope she'd be there
Talk to her as I climb the stairs
I told her

gotta own up on my own somehow
gotta own up on my own somehow
gotta own up on my own somehow

How I Got Here

I just keep telling myself that dieting isn’t forever.  In a sense though, it is.  I’m not a teenager anymore.  I have a slow metabolism.  The little metabolism I do have is controlled by medication.  There will never be another time in my life where I can eat with reckless abandon.  Certain days?  Sure?  Whenever I want?  Never again.

I was a skinny kid.  Like, skin and bones skinny.  When Hub and I went to his senior prom, my dress was a size 3.  I was teeny.  I wish I would have appreciated it then but I didn’t.  I focused on my thighs, which were always meaty.  They were disgusting, I thought.  And I look at those pictures.  A size 3.  Clearly, I was an idiot.

I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 18. When I did, and found myself with a job and a car to give me access to things I had never had on the regular, I started to gain a few pounds.  Nothing excessive, but it showed.  I had unlimited access to Burger King! I worked 3 jobs! I deserved to eat what I wanted to eat.  And I did, until Hub and I moved in together when I was 19.  Then, all of our money went to pay rent.  We had the bare minimum for groceries.  There was little eating out.  And still, I was putting on weight.  After about a year, I went to the doctor.  He said it was because I “no longer lived with mommy and daddy”.  I wasn’t eating solid meals.  This could have been true, but if you could have seen the number of nights when working at Blockbuster, that I only ate a bag of lite microwave popcorn for dinner, you would know that it wasn’t. 

The steady weight gain went on for another year or so.  There were several trips to the doctor, reluctant blood work run, and no results.  It wasn’t until I started feeling an odd pressure in my throat that I was taken seriously.  I was sent for an ultrasound, and then the issue was finally uncovered…I had a goiter which would indicate some sort of thyroid disorder, one that never came up on blood work.  I bid goodbye to my primary doctor, and enlisted an endocrinologist who ran the right tests.  My thyroid was severely underactive and most definitely contributed to my weight gain, as well as my general well being.  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease as well.  I started medication, and within a few months was feeling like my old self.  I’d been going to the gym in addition to the meds, and slowly, the weight started coming off. 

I was down to a weight I was comfortable with in time for my wedding in September 2002.  I was no size 3, but I was on the upper side of normal.  I liked the way I looked.  From there, I don’t really know what happened.  I got comfortable being married, had a few kids, and found myself looking the way I look today.  My weight has gone up and down.  I looked the best when Lucy was about a year old, after a lot of hard work.  Once Olivia was born though, I just sort of gave up.

I’ve made half assed efforts over the last few years and have lost and gained a few pounds here and there.  I’ve never stuck with anything long enough to see results and to that end, I’ve given up quickly because the results didn’t come hard and fast.  And that’s how I’ve come to be here, needing to lose in the range of 80-100lbs.  Truthfully, I would be happy with 50 to put me back to where I was before I got pregnant with Bud.  Hell, I’d be happy with 20 just to know that I can do it.

It’s not all about looks.  It’s about being healthy and being here a long time for my kids.  I’m putting this all out there; starting this blog to keep me accountable.  I’m hoping that it works better than the trackers and the programs and the gym (all of which I am doing, by the way).  I’m hoping that finally, I will see progress.  I would take even the smallest glimmer of hope at this point.  Something to show me that I’m doing something right. Something to show me that this time really is different.