Stream.

I bought actual running shoes last week.  I don't know if my plan is to actually run in them, but my feet didn't fall asleep after 30 minutes on the elliptical, so that is a plus.  Of course, I cannot wear these shoes to Zumba.  They are TOO supportive.  Running Store Guy said I will ruin the shoes, and also, might break my ankles.

So, I decided that I wanted to buy some new workout clothes because my oversized baggy ones were making me look larger than I actually am.  I tried on some fitted capris and nearly passed out in horror at the size of my ass.  Don't get me wrong---I knew it was big, but a combination of those pants and the dressing room mirrors...well.  I did not buy them.  I did buy 2 moisture wicking shirts and a pair of running capri type pants.  The pants fit, but are an eeensy bit too tight for me to be comfortable in them.  By my estimation, I'll be able to wear them in a few weeks.

I was on a quest for underwear that doesn't fall down as well, and settled on some boy short type ones.  They didn't fall down.  Nope.  But every single inch of them rode up my ass while I was at Zumba.  So.  They were a waste of $9.99.

I came home from shopping, and reamed Hub out for not telling me about how big my butt is.  But he had already told me earlier that morning that my butt looked smaller (which is probably why I tried on the stretch pants), so I couldn't be too mad.  He's also commented on my stomach looking firmer and so on.  So he is helping me out as well. 

So, I think things are going generally well.  I feel better than I remember feeling in a really long time.  I just need to find the perfect sports bra and underwear and I will be good to go!

Holding Steady

9lbs down.  Much firmer though.  none of my underwear stay up anymore.  I guess I'm doing something right.

Zumba twice a week. Gym time.  New shoes.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't happen overnight.

 It. Doesn't. Happen. Overnight.

But I wish it did.

A Thought

It is really hard to be the fattest person in an exercise class.  I know I'm not supposed to say fat, or compare my body to others, but Jesus.  and I'm not even large enough to be considered "inspirational", as in look at her go...she's really going to do it this time.  I'm just...large.

This is only the case in the class I am taking at the big chain gym.  The one where there are mirrors and I can see myself.  The one I take through community education...I don't feel self conscious at all.  Weird.

But.  Even though i feel like one of the middle aged ladies in the Sweatin' to the Oldies videos my mom did as a kid, I am still going. 

A Number

I am trying really hard not to be de-motivated by not losing any weight.  Like seriously.  Nothing is happening.  NOTHING!

Ok, that is not entirely true.  Nothing is happening on the scale.  But I am in a routine of working out.  I feel better.  I am sleeping better.  I feel stronger and more flexible.  I am dancing 2 times a week which gives me not just exercise high, but a high from just being so happy.

I think I’m going to put the scale away for a while.  I’m going to give this thing 4 weeks to do its thang.  I’ll still track my points.

But no scale until March 5^th.  I’m going to rely on how I feel instead of a number because the number is seriously screwing with my head.

Mantra

I am starting in on my 4^th week of “dieting” this week.  I don’t like to call it dieting necessarily, because I am still eating regular food.  I’m just paying more attention to what I eat and the portions of what I am eating, and I guess cutting back some.  Here is what I have found to work so far:

·         Weight Watchers!!  My points have been my bible.  I’ve tracked calories and other things in the past, but it is obvious why Weight Watcher has been around for so long.  I trust my plan 100%.

·         Eat a light breakfast and lunch.  This way I can eat what everyone else is having for dinner and not worry about it too much.

·         A snack is ok in the afternoon, but I need to think about it, and make sure that I am actually hungry and not bored.

·         Pay attention to my body’s queues.  Just because it is noon, does not mean that I have to eat lunch?  How hungry am I, really?  I’ve also found that eating a later lunch holds me over until dinner and I am less likely to snack.

·         Rather than a bedtime snack, I fill up on water before I go to bed.  This also works wonders for my early morning gym time because I am already somewhat hydrated, and my muscles don’t feel tight.

·         I do my best to save my extra points for the weekend.  This is the most likely time for splurging on desserts to occur.  It’s nice that I can eat them somewhat guilt free. I also do not “spend” my activity points.

And here are a couple of things that I have observed:

·         I fill up faster now than I did before.  What was a normal portion for me 2 weeks ago might make me feel stuffed now.

·         A day a “bad eating” not only makes me feel guilty, but my stomach doesn’t feel right for the whole day either.  Knowing that I will pay for eating those chocolate chip pancakes may help me to *not* eat them the next time the opportunity arises. (Although, when you can’t eat eggs in their natural form, your out to breakfast options are somewhat limited).

·         The longer I am sticking to it, the easier it is to stick to it.

And I am sticking to it in spite of the fact that I have only lost 4lbs (and that 4lbs fluctuates, even) to date.  This is frustrating, because I feel like for the sacrifice I’ve made, I should have lost 15lbs by now. But I know it doesn’t work that way as much as I know that I should not be focused on the number.  The number is not as relevant as the health benefits.  This is maybe the hardest concept to grasp but I am working on it. 

I think I need a mantra or something.

Pep Talk

This has been a bad week so far, in the way of working out.  I’d like to attribute it to being depressed over having finished The Hunger Games trilogy, but that just seems wrong.  Although when I was reading it last week, it was a whole lot easier to get up and go in the morning. 

Ok, I admit it.  I can’t work out because I miss Katniss and Peeta.  Seriously, kill me.

Yesterday I had a dental appointment that didn’t go well, and it left me in pain and out of sorts.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  Olivia is sick.  Again.  These are all excuses that I accepted today, and again did not work out. 

Today I will get involved enough in a new book, to make it easier to go tomorrow morning.

Today I will make sure my gym clothes are out and ready to go.

Tomorrow I will forget what happened today.

Tomorrow is always a new day and that is what I struggle to remember.  If I fucked up one day, I may as well keep it going all week and start fresh on Monday.  I know that I can’t think this way anymore.  Not if I want to actually achieve something here.

So.  I may talk myself in to walking the dog in a little while.  I committed in January to get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day.  I’m not quite failing yet.  I just need to jump this hurdle and be back on track.

I think I am ready. No, I don’t think.  I know. I know that I am ready to do this thing.

A Small Thing

The other day one of my Facebook friends reminded me of a band I really loved in high school.  Have you ever heard of The Lemonheads?  In addition to being quite small in high school, I was also quite the little alternative rock fan (and always a closet pop music junkie…but that’s a different story).  Anyway, Come on Feel by The Lemonheads was one of my very favorite cassettes.  In fact, until we got our first car without a cassette player, this tape accompanied me on road trips for many years, even though it was quite outdated and was obviously wearing thin.

At some point I lost track of my tape.  We’ve long since burned all of our CDs on to our computer and I’ve tried to make notes of music I had on tape that I’d like to have again.  Somehow this gem slipped my mind, until like I said, I got the reminder the other day.  I immediately found it, and downloaded it to my Amazon Cloud.  The next day, I queued it up when I was on the treadmill. For a brief moment, I was the small girl wearing the ever-present 90’s flannel tuning out the world with her music.  I think for the first time ever, I was grinning from ear to ear at the gym. 

And specifically, these lyrics.  They helped me.  This journey, whatever it is.  It is on me.

The Lemonheads

“Down About It”

Gotta own up on my own somehow
Toss the beginning and try to live it down
'n work my way out
I been so down about it

It gets the same every time I shy
Away from the blame and I stand my time
You can understand why
I been so down about it

She's gonna give me all the time I need
to finish it
and if I can't I'll sleep
over

And out like a light when it's not plugged in
fading around if it starts again
you just don't get it when
I get so down about it

I drop you a hint so I hope you don't catch
You fumble your keys and I throw the latch
You'll still worried that
I been so down about it


Out of it so I'd hope she'd be there
Talk to her as I climb the stairs
I told her

gotta own up on my own somehow
gotta own up on my own somehow
gotta own up on my own somehow